Today I basked in ecstasy. I watched everything come together. I watched everything come together before falling apart in the fall. Realized I am not stuck in reverse...just headed straightforward onto it all...rapidly.
    I spent most of the day with family. Jokingly insulting breakfast with Dad, off to Ventura with Mom. She asked me if I needed anything for school. Or if I wanted anything at all. I replied no, truthfully. I spent forty-five minutes carousing the mall, gazing, and came to realize I need absolutely nothing. I have everything I have always wanted in the palm of my hand, cliche? Yes. But about five weeks before I tilt my palm and much of it crumbles; transforms.
    She kept mentioning finances. If I need money wired to me at school, she will do it...gladly. Call me a fool, maybe, but every hint of resentment I ever felt towards my mother fell away in that moment. It wasn't the money in the least. The past just disappeared before me without even so much as a blink. She had changed. Changed. For the first time in God knows how many years, I felt my Mom actually as a Mother...not just some nagging woman who lives a few miles away. I asked her for advice; another first for a while. I began to trust her love. Finally.
    The rest of what happened today and tonight lies in the corner of my mind that sometimes deems me young and restless, yet nurturing...bordering the banner displaying CARPE DIEM and thus constantly reminding me that life is everything. This is everything. This is it. So that...I will keep all to myself.
    But this much I can share, for the benefit (or not) of whomsoever chooses to read this entry.
    It's okay to...
...Wake up and crave cold pizza for breakfast.
...Move your car because you weren't parked on your favorite lines of the driveway.
...Browse Abercrombie and Fitch simply because the men's cologne is intoxicating.
...Have a tea party at the bottom of the pool even though you've passed the age of eleven.
...Stick only to your favorites: coffee, mozzarella cheese, Coldplay, and what's-his-face.
...Take a forty-minute shower, characterized by Mango Madness.
...Send a completely silly text message. Or ten. To the same person.
...Fog the car windows with laughter and stupidity.
...Accidentally & suspiciously wear your clothes inside-out. (And not even notice).
...Head towards home but somehow land at a dead end. (Realizing just-in-time to not hit the sign that declares it so).
...Chew cinnamon gum and let it burn your lips. And maybe someone else's too.
...Notice that nothing is monotonous. (With the help of a fishing rod, line, a sharpened hook and cluttered car).
...Attempt to go to sleep at 3:03 A.M. Very much awake, very much alive.
<3
   

I hereby declare that I have decided to go to UC Santa Cruz and not UC Santa Barbara or others. At the present moment, 98% positive.

This feels right. Difficult, but right.

Here's to the beginning of the rest, '07.

:)

I didn't know either of them too well.

Sure, Weston since third grade, great chilhood memories...we didn't stay close.

Cendy, a year in P.E. and another year in dance class...we had some good laughs at Mrs. Hoj and other dancers.

But it still hurts. 

I'm baffled and confused by death..not to mention fucking HATING it and wanting to kick it in the balls. 

I'm in shock and I can't even fucking put together coherent sentences. So younggg...I cannot deal. So fucking young.

Whatever. I just want to sleep and forget everything.

Well...

I just got into Sonoma State with Honors. 

Actually it was a few hours ago.

Funny...one of my top two down. I guess one to go...

ahhhhhhhhhh

:D + :I + :(   ???

This week I watched myself. I literally sat, outside of my mind and body (at least, temporarily), and watched myself.

I watched as I failed to comprehend the past, slowly shrugged it off, and continued drearily.

I watched myself doubt abilities, friendships, relationships; ultimately, life.

Once you're at the point of such "anagnorisis", "discovering the hidden truth(s)" [which, evidently, remains the fact that I did not let my self be myself throughout highschool, and thus hindered actuality] what do you do? 

I do not know the people I want to know.
I do not act the way I want to act.
I do not live the way I want to live.

I feel so ridiculous. I cannot even focus enough to contribute to the Newspaper. Some of those I have spent the past four or more years with, I don't answer the phone for. Such immaturity...escape and all. Or possibly avoidance? How do you tell everyone in your life that they don't know you. As if they would actually accept that. 

I want to see my true self. God damn, do I ever. So I guess I'm gonna.

The emo-ness of this entry is altogether unexpected and pathetic...I apologize. 

:)

I can feel change.

Diagnose me, doctor, do I exhibit the symptoms of Senioritis? Where goes the line between apathy and suppression? Take your dreams and hold them steady as time passes over you.

Swing low, sweet chariot, from your high. Remember the last time?
I hereby believe that I fear regret.

Doubts Even Here.
Those steps which seem to take a lifetime
When eyes just turn and stare
The day begins, collapsing without warning
You fade from sight, there's nothing there

No hope allowed, calls are answered daily
Questions are on your side
Deeply moved, beyond all consolation
You felt the pulse, now hear the cry

In my mind, thoughts are becoming clearer
I'm watching every move you make
Counting time spent in observation
A single blow a false mistake

Then you revealed to me
All that I need to know now.


I want everything that is coming to me. Bring it all: knowledge, experience, passion, mistakes, love, work, intimacy, complexity, heartache, thought, choice, disruption, harmonyyy. Just leave me without thought for a while, young soul...

Whether or not this entry is capable of translation, matters not to me . Take it in. Think about your life. What...no...who do you want to be? Right now. Take it in. I should probably also mention that this journal entry may, in fact, be complete self reflection; thus, I am not directing thoughts at whomsoever reads this. But maybe I am.

Just...take it.

So, did anyone else manage to have an awkward first day of senior year? (or any year for that matter...)

I felt.......frazzled...disoriented...extremely out of place. And I cannot exactly put my finger on it...but I may have a few ideas.

Maybe it's because I've had a taste of the future, and liked it; I feel as though I'm going completely backwards.

Stuck. I think that may be the correct adjective.

It was that feeling you get when you're munching on blueberries...and suddenly you taste a bad one...you get that look of disgust on your face...but you know that you should try again in the batch of blueberries because more than likely the next one will be sweet.

Something like that.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what to do. Everything is so.........old. Am I supposed to feel something else? 

"Time flies." Ya know, as pessimistic as this may sound...it better. I'm done with this. It's not senioritis. It's not the new stress of the year overwhelming me-----

It is a deep, true, blood-rushing desire...to start anew. Start OVER. Fuck, that sounds good.

"They used to go upstairs together on tiptoe, each with a candle, and on the third land exchange reluctant goodnights. They used to kiss. He remembered well her eyes, the touch of her hand, and his delirium.......
But delirium passes."
-Dubliners
<<<that is troubling me too. But somehow it is something I am incapable of explaining. I think in general I'm just completely incapable of explaining myself.

If I said everything I really wanted to say, felt everything I really wanted to feel...I would get shamed, shunned, even stunned.

So fuck. Let me just keep my mouth shut. 

Let's make the BEST of this damn year, because it's the last of it.........

late.

I have to take women's choir as independent study or else I can't take choir at all...and that means no Carnegie...so can someone please give me wagner's email by chance? I keep trying to see him and yet he never seems to be around.....
much appreciated.
<3

So. I really cannot comprehend how it took me two years to realize that one person is holding me back in life. I never understood the magnitude of that holding back.

But today, I lean towards a brighter future. I let go, and surrender to ambitions. It is done...and I feel unexplainably good.

Thank you for moments...but especially, thank you for pain- because it has made me that much stronger; that much better.

ANYways...looking forward to the rest of summer, though it undoubtably involves studying (not to mention quite a bit of reading...)

Damn I feel good. I haven't felt like this in a looooong time. <333

so, the end has come.
I don't think I can even whisper that outloud.

once in every life, there comes a time...we walk out all alone, and into the night. The moment won't last, but then, we remember it again...when we close our eyes.

but we were born to fly. 

staring at an empty parking space. torn. that last hug and kiss. torn. that last touch of hands. torn. uncontrollable tears. torn. a soft whisper of comfort. torn. a final photograph. torn. one last glance...torn. 

but there is no control, so it is useless to try.

I suppose with every end comes a beginning...of new adventures, a renewal of friendships, incredible trips, incredible moments. 

but ill admit, it is a little wrecking to watch many teenage memories disappear...and I don't think "sadness" covers it in the least bit. although I know there is greatness ahead, at the present moment I stand alone and afraid of the future.

on the other hand, I am innnnnncredibly excited that it is finally summer. we've all worked so hard towards it; we deserve it. :)

but I will never forget. and this I say- I love you.

-"But blue is not right for roses....."
--"Yes, but it is right for you..."

<3

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more.


[before I started CRYING, haha...I love all of you seniors. and even you not-so-seniors.]

"If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person. And mean it. You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so. It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other."

the end is near...hold on to your tempers...

<3

Humph. I don't think I can even begin to...yeah I don't know.
Hmm.

how many weeks is it now, 3? or is it 4?

fuck.

have you ever woken up and realized that all that you've worked towards with a person is going to disappear within the next month?

hmm. yeah. well.

"Pain me with goodbye."

There's such power within the moments you first meet someone. You become befuddled as you realize you cannot begin to determine who they are by simply looking into their eyes. Such intrigue it creates, that yearning to explore...this stranger who has captured some part of your soul, unknowingly. The excitement that stirs within you; those butterflies that flutter as conversation escapes you, and you're left staring into something you know absolutely nothing about. Such passion lies here.

Why does the utter of goodbye crush and intensify the passion simultaneously? Change swallows what once was.

You want more. You cannot figure it out. Intrigue strikes again. But, anguish dawns upon that piece of soul they captured. Do you ever get that bit back after the very first whisper of goodbye?

I hate goodbye. And see you later. And keep in touch. And we'll talk soon.

Will we, though?

No matter for now, I'll show you why you're so much more than good enough.  "I am grace, do you remember me?"

I'll be the one to ask you how you're feeling, and when you say "fine," I'll know to say "how are you really feeling?"

Time takes us through turns, but since I forgot to tell you before...I need you to be there. Always. May you find some comfort here, with me.

I need some distraction...oh beautiful release. Memories seep from my veins. Let me be empty, reckless, and maybe...I'll find some peace tonight.

I don't exactly know why I wrote this post, but why question it. It doesn't mean much, it doesn't mean anything at all.

goodbye.

I am going to win. So bring it.

:)

I felt compelled to right, somehow.

This has actually been an incredibly happy week. I believe it's partially due to the increase of sun exposure (I adore the rain but I'll admit I missed the sun), and I think the other half is due to the large cup of coffee I've been inhaling each morning. Caffeine makes me happy. Which probably isn't a good think if I look back on it, because it will probably lead to addiction. But for now I'm ok, and life is calm. However, I am at my caffeine crash at the moment...so I am pretty much about to pass out from exhaustion right now, haha.

All I have to say is that I discovered I share the same fear as James- that life actually does have meaning. I think something about recognizing life is important or has a purpose induces fear. But in other ways, it's nice to realize it does have meaning. I think we all find that within love and friendship, even the most suttle ones (the ones we assume mean nothing, but somehow mean at least a little something.) I doubt any of this makes sense, but basically I am thankful that I have certain people in my life. Because it feels wonderful to be loved. And exciting.

Oh, I like it like this. So keep it like this.

Write your name and...

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle.
Say the following questions aloud, and press play.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.

NO CHEATING.

1. How does the world see me?
It's Like That by Mariah Carey

2. Will I have a happy life?
Paperback Writer by the Beatles

3. What do my friends really think of me?
Three Little Birds by Bob Marley

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles

5. How can I make myself happy?
We Belong Together by Mariah Carey

6. What should I do with my life?
He's What I've Waited For by Mary J. Blige

7. Will I ever have children?
Your Song from Moulin Rouge

8. What is some good advice for me?
Blackbird by the Beatles

9. How will i be remembered?
Come My Lady, You're My Butterfly...by unknown...

10. What is my signature dancing song?
Cool from Westside Story soundtrack

11. What do I think my current theme song is?
Golden Slumbers by the Beatles

12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Tipsy by JKwon (ah hahahaha)

13. What song will play at my funeral?
Fortunate Fool by Jack Johnson

14. What type of men/women do I like?
Don't Worry Baby by the Beach Boys

15. What is my day going to be like tomorrow?
Ooh La La by Valeria from Legally Blonde soundtrack...oh saweet.